Wednesday, 23 November 2011

Call Me Rent A Crowd

I 've discovered an exiting new job opportunity!

Today, I shall begin phoning major retailers offering my services as 'Rent A Crowd'. It works like this:

The Job Description

I will walk into your empty premises. There won't be a customer to be seen. No purse or credit card waving citizen wil have darkened your doors for hours. I will browse the wide spaces of your aisles, the vast, uninhabited, savannahs between your shelves, looking for where you've hidden the item I came in for. Once I find it, and while I am debating the merits of the blue version over the green, I personally guarantee that: instantly, at least two people will materialize out of nowhere and stand in front of me, blocking my view of the shelves.
No matter. I will move off in search of a something else on my shopping list, only to discover the premises are now so crowded I am unable to move without being smacked by somebody's bag or basket, run into by a shopping trolley, or finding my way blocked by stationary shoppers who haven't seen each other for ten years and are intent on making up for lost time.

The Retailer Must Do His Part

Now, here's where you — the shopkeeper — can help. Should I make it to the next aisle, you must ensure that there is an abandoned metal cage full of cardboard boxes or products that do not belong in this part of the store, parked tight in to the shelves where the items  I wish to buy reside, blocking my view of and my access to those same items.

Your Benefits,  My Costs

With your shop now full to bursting with the foot-fall of an entire market town, I shall leave the premises — the sound of your tills ringing gaily in my ears — as empty handed as I arrived.

My charge for this service is ten (10) pounds sterling per visit which, I am sure you will agree, represents excellent value for money. If  you have any doubts about the efficacy of this method in raising your customer throughput and spend, let me re-assure you. It has worked unfailingly until now!

I reckon I can visit up to 10 shops per 8 hour working day, making me a nice little income of 100 pounds a day — which, unfortunately,  I may never get to  spend.


  1. Haha!! That's why I do my shopping very late in the evening. In fact, I just got back from BJ's. I can't stand shopping in a crowd.

  2. Hi, Annie.

    Glad to meet a fellow sufferer! I've managed to get round the problem of grocery shopping - I send my husband out to do it. However, this doesn't remove the frustration in the quiet bookshop. the empty stationers or the ladieswear shop.

    Not having received a 2012 diary as a present, once the shops re-opened after the Christmas holiday I sallied forth into town for the purpose of buying myself one. Delighted to find that the stationers were having a sale, I headed straight for the aisle where they stock them. I swear there wasn't a soul in the place except for a bored looking cashier when I got there but by the time I found what I wanted, at least three people stood beside me, all reaching for diaries.
    LOL. It could only happen to me.